G.R.I.T

Yemode was not the smarted, she has never been. Her siblings never forgot to remind her she was no Einstein, neither did her friends forget to give her that look for her uncountable “stupid” questions.

Recently, I was in her office, she is my ‘senior friend’  and I was complaining on how much I was struggling finding motivation when it always seemed like the outcome would be the same. She smiled and told me the story of how she failed repeatedly, was written off, had doors shut in her face and had people look her square in the eye saying; “yemode, you are never going to make it” you are not that bright. They said it with such compassion that she was almost believing it was true. Today, she seats in a position where those who told her she was never going to make it can only wish they could get to. I was surprised… how did you keep going when no one believed in you I asked? She replied, you don’t need others to believe in you, believe in yourself enough to make others believe in you.

I sighed, as I went to grab a drink from her fridge,

you see…  The world does not owe you anything, you need to get off your high horse and realise this. And because it does not owe you anything, you have to work hard for what you want, because if it gives you anything at all, it MAY not always be what you want. How bad do you want it? She ask? I really want it mode, I do…

Well, no doubt you want it, but you don’t really “want it” Tee… I got slightly defensive. What do you mean I dont really want it, if I didn’t want to be better would I be here speaking to you? I am making an effort here mode, give me some credit.

you don’t deserve any credit Tee, you are slacking, I hated it when she says this with a smile. You want to be better yes, but you are not actively seeking to be better. In your mind you want to be better but in reality you are not, you are expecting everything to just get better for you. The world does not respond to faith alone, it responds to principles. Faith without work is dead. See…you cannot continue to say you are struggling without doing the do, wake up.

After I failed repeatedly, I called a meeting with my self and told my self some hard truths… if I wanted to be better I had to put in more work than I was currently putting in. Don’t fall into the trap of mediocrity and say maybe that is how Gods wants it, IT IS NOT TRUE

If you don’t give up, YOU CAN NEVER FAIL PERMANENTLY

Mode, I am not the brightest, I know she said, but you don’t need to be the brightest to be the best! Huh? Yes… you need GRIT, which encompasses courage, comsistensy,resolve, strength of character, showing up and getting the work done even when you don’t feel like! Crossing out settling as an option, That’s what you need. GRIT would open doors that talent will never open.

Just like grit, discipline is greater than motivation, because motivation can fail you, but discipline would keep you going even when you are not motivated to, Its never going to be easy Tee, but you can do this, you can achieve  anything you put your mind to, stop playing yourself small, in you lies innumerable strength to accomplish anything. I have to go now, I have  a meeting in 15 minutes. I will speak to you soon.

 

When Lemons don’t become Lemonade…

Hey guys, its been an awful long time! I know I know! Life really does happen and some of the time if we sit around waiting for situations to be perfect before we take the next step, we might never take that step… I have learnt that we have to be courageous enough to step out in faith even when we don’t really know what we are walking towards. My friend once said to me, “Toyin, it is better you endure the struggles and get to the mountain top and realise that the view is not worth the stress, than remain in the valley, wondering for the rest of your life how beautiful the view from the mountain top would be. Before I go on and on talking about an entirely different thing than I planned write about, what do you do when Lemons refuse to become lemonade?

It is better to get to the mountain top and realise that the view is not worth the stress than remain in the valley, wondering for the rest of your life how beautiful the view from the mountain top would be. Don’t give up…Not now, not ever!

I am so sure that you have heard this proverbial phrase”If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!”. This phrase is normally used to encourage optimism and a positive can-do attitude in the face of difficulty, adversity or misfortune… According to wiki, lemons are sour (off course we know that!) an lemonade is a sweet drink…

But! What happens when you find yourself in difficult situations that you can’t  seem to get out of? Those kind of situations that make you feel like THIS IS THE END, those situation that make you give up even before trying (oh they exist… trust me!). Those especially hard times you have tried so hard to make lemonade out of the never-ending lemons life keeps throwing at you, but the lemons are so dry that no juice is coming out no matter how hard you try!

           WHAT DO WE DO?

My Heart Felt Message to You

Just like me, a lot of us are eager about 2017, we cannot wait to start the New year. 2016 has been one tough year, it has brought with it hard, very low and lonely times. Like a friend of mine said, ‘my year ended in October and I am just doing the mannequin challenge till the New year‘ .

Although 2016 came with its own Lion share of challenges, it gets really easy to beat ourselves; oh! I could have done this, or that, or handled this situation better. You might even be in the category of people who feel like 2015 was a better year. Don’t be too hard on yourself, learn the lessons from you mistakes and move on!

Sometimes, we make a mess of our lives with our own hands BUT remember:

 Everything happens for a reason, for a season, for a lesson or for a blessing. God is able to turn your mess to a message don’t throw in the towel, not now, not ever!

If Life refuses to be a bed of roses for you, create your own bed with a different flower. -Toyincoker

If there is anything I have learnt in 2016, it is Resilience! the drive that makes you cross out quitting as an option! your life might not be what you envisage it to be, but if you don’t quit on yourself and God, you would see everything falling in pleasant places! (and it might not happen as quick as you expect). They say life is not a bed of roses, I agree, but roses are not the only beautiful flowers in the world. If life refuses to be a bed for roses for you,  create your own bed with sunflowers, lilies, tulips, plumeria YOU NAME IT!!! stop throwing a pity party for yourself, its going to take you no where.

As 2017 approaches, we must realize that to succeed there has to be a renewal of the mind. we must begin to see the possibility in impossibility; what you cannot visualize you cannot achieve. Build resilience, you need it to face the coming 365 days. I do not promise it would be easy, but I am quite certain that if we maintain a positive outlook, build our resilience and cross out the option of giving up or settling for mediocrity,  2017 would not just be an orally awesome year, it would be an evidently great year.

Approach the New Year without Fear.

 

 

 

 

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Hey guys, if you follow me on social media then you must have seen one of my hashtags #ToyinsSSmusings; so what does this mean?

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My Top 15 Life lessons of 2015

Hey guys, the year is gradually rounding up and it seems like the days go by faster as we approach the new year. 2015 has been a year for me! I had my own share of obstacles, failures, disappointments, especially those ones that make you question yourself, BUT on the brighter side, its been a successful year, I made a couple of great friends and built stronger relationships; it could be better but thank God its not worse. So straight to the point, I learnt many many hard and easy lessons in 2015 and I shall be sharing my top 15 life lessons with you, enjoy xx

1. Another persons sparkle does not dim your shine, two sparkles radiate more intense shine

2. Its okay not to be okay, but its not okay to remain not okay

3. Friends would come and go, appreciate the good times and accept that not everyone can be in your life forever

4. No matter how much you are in need, be it financially, emotionally, academically etc, THOU SHALL NOT BE A NUISANCE TO ANYBODY.

5. Friends are like lights, they brighten up our lives (You heard it here first!)

6. Confidence covers a multitude of flaws

7. It doesn’t matter if you are misunderstood, how you handle misunderstandings is everything

8. This life is a journey, it is not a RACE.

9. If you have to force something, it is most likely not meant to be

10. Life na turn by turn, your time would come

11. Joy would take you further, pay tributes to those ahead and help those behind

12. Sometimes, age is just a number, maturity is a thing of the mind

13. Reach out! Share your story, it might just inspire someone

14. A lot can change in a year, like you shaving off your hair (LOL!)

15. Even if you are a parrot, learn to shut up. Silence is Golden. BUT do not hide your cowardice behind Silence, SPEAK AT THE RIGHT TIME.

There are many more lessons I would love to share, but these are my top 15, I hope you like them and learn a thing or two.
2016 is almost here, and before you write those new year resolutions, take stock. What went wrong in 2015? how could I have done it better? what went right? these are vital questions to answer before you go into the new year. Beauty might fade, but the way in which we influence people live forever.

HAPPY NEW YEAR IN ADVANCE

T.O.R>N

Hey guys, I’m glad you visited the blog again. If its your first time, please take sometime to look around. I personally recommend you read “Dear Diary” and “Ahe’ Belemam”, you would love love love it!

So, today, I’m researching on the recent outbreak of the ebola epidemic in West Africa (School work). Did you know that the outbreak in 2013/2014 is the largest and most complex the world has ever seen since the virus was discovered in 1976? WOWZER!!! Anyways, I shall not bore thee with the details and leave that for my Medical Diagnostic lecturer.

Now back to the point, T.O.R>N, dropped in my imagination in the dark of my room, on one of those nights… and I was like,  where have you been??? considering that I have been under a writer’s block since after summer, Nigerian suya probably blocked my creative side and the fear of not meeting those ridiculous deadlines I get, makes me forget I even have a blog. Back to the point, I promise I shall not digress again.

T.O.R>N is still a mystery to me, it is about two friends who love each other, but one (Abike) has life going so well for her, everything seems to be falling into place, this aroused envy in her friend, whose life, she is secretly trying to mend, but still pretending like all is fine, like all those Lagos big girls who look like they never even have to suffer a headache! (Please I’m just joking o!). Abike is currently going through a sad phase and this “Friend” is her ally! This friend then plots against Abike, but because she LOVEs her, she tells Abike of all her plans to ruin her and even advices her to take preventive measures so she doesn’t fall into her trap!

Abike’s friend writes to her;

It is comforting to me that you are sad
                                         And It is my very shoulders you lean on                                                                                           in ur most vulnerable state
Every one is suffering
So should you Abike!   

Hear  word!
         I will help you tear down                                                                                          while secretly mending mine!  
Woman hear word

And when  you die from high BP
I shall be alive; full of life
Abike! Hear word 

Don’t dance to the tune I play                                                                                                 For I want you to languish on the bed of loneliness   
Depression Abike
  cannot help you    

I love you Abike                                                                                                                             But I am jealous wounded lioness
But for love, I forewarn you
To take heed 
Lest you fall!

---

Just incase you are confused, I assure you the author is still confused! but thats the point! Hope you liked it, Please Like and share!

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Golden Garbage

It was in the goodbyes

the good and the bad

that I saw your heart

beneath your  frown

and occasional smile

That you pulled through

all the pain

to force a smile

once in a while…

I was never satisfied

neither did I know your pain

I was selfish…

maybe not

only wanted you to smile more

I thought I cared…

But I was uninterested in your pain

your struggle

your fall

where you lost it all

I have not always been like this you

you yelled

with fiery raging eyes

and blood dripping down your temple

yet I only saw the bad in you

the beast everyone else saw

not the strength

or the courage

you had to pull through

and still be there

to fake a smile

where others would have had no smile

even to fake.

Ahe Belema’am

The very first day I met Ariel, I knew we belonged together. You can imagine how I felt when he asked me out, trust, as a sharp girl, I did some shakara. Our relationship was the standard, in fact it became a prayer point

*My Father My father My Father (you must say it three times) give me a relationship like Tenna and Ariels own*.

We were the perfect match. Ariel knew all about me, my rococo, love for poetry, travel, women empowerment  he knew it all, like a book he has read all his life; well… I knew him so well too, he was the most loving man and he was mine…    

                 ***     

 

Six months later, he asked me to marry him!!! Yes! He proposed in the most romantic way (check Bellanaija marriages for more details). Our wedding was beautiful He carried me everywhere like a trophy and treated me like the ‘prima donna’, all my friends told me I was lucky, off course I am! I replied, look at my husband. Fast forward 5 years later, here I am in barrister kelani’s office, being served divorce papers on a platter for brunch.  Kelani was my high school sweetheart, the only one who made the night feel like day… We never really broke up, but distance separated us, He went to Europe and I to South America. When he returned to the country, my house was his first stop, my parents adored him and the man he has become.

***

                                
It is too late mum!!! I don’t even like kelani again, I love Ariel and that’s it! He is my choice and that’s final. There is nothing wrong with Him, You just hate him that’s why he never drops by at the house; I yelled!  My mother loved kelani and wanted me to be with him, my dad, siblings, cousins, in fact extended relations, they all said the same thing “Ariel is not a good man” as far as I’m concerned he is, and my opinion is all that matters. It’s me and you against the world baby and I love you I said to him as we had dinner overlooking the sunset across the Atlantic, He smiled and held my hand.  I forgot to mention my family was not at the wedding and I still passionately hate them for it…

***

I sat in Barrister Kelani’s office too shocked to move, I and riel (Ariel) haven’t had a fight in 6 months, what could be the problem? What is going on? I asked trying to be as composed as possible even though I felt like throwing him of our 16th floor apartment  ‘’It’s nothing, I am just tired of hurting you Tenna, you are a good woman’’.  Hurting me? I was confused… He never hurt me until now. Why are you divorcing me riel? What have I done that is so unforgivable?  Can’t we talk about it? Am I not appealing to you anymore? I’ll go on a diet, you don’t like the taste of my food? I’ll enrol at cooking school tell me what is it? I asked desperately… Please don’t leave me, I doubt I’ll survive without you… You will he said as he briskly exited the room (Just like that?). I was devastated! I couldn’t call my family, haven’t spoken to them in years they never liked riel and did not support our union so I cut them off. My friends? I’m too ashamed to admit to them that their standard of a marriage is not so much of a standard anymore…

***

My phone beeped, it was Kelani’s secretary reminding me on the unsigned papers. Ariel has still not stated a tangible reason he is filling for a divorce. I switched off all my communication gadgets, I was not going to sign those letters.  3 weeks later I sat at kelani office and I endorsed the papers with my signature, I was officially divorced… These 3 weeks have been the lowest points in my life, I have cried, pleaded, prayed attempted suicide but none seemed to work, I felt like a failure, I couldn’t even keep my marriage my EX HUSBAND was bent on having a divorce. 

***

     
Kelani walked me to my car…

“Tenna he said with a tone only him knows, don’t be too hard on yourself, things happen life moves on. You are a great woman pick up the pieces of your life and move on, your mum asked me to bring you to dinner tomorrow night, I’ll pick you up; get ready for 7’’.

I could only nod, the fortress I built around myself that has kept me away from my family has crashed like a pile of cards right before my eyes without any signs or reason, thanks to Ariel I have been teleported into reality.

***

As I drove to the oriental, where I’ll stay till I get sorted, by the way I got kicked out of our house as well, I kept wondering HOW and WHY my mum still speaks to Kelani to the extent she has asked him to bring me to dinner with my own family, I have really been out of touch for a while.                                          

I must say, that was the most bitter-sweet meal I have ever had, Bitter because I felt awkward with my family,  not seen or spoken to them in 5 years, they moved to a new house and I had to ask where the kitchen and toilets were, and in response it was “kelani please show her the way, I was embarrassed… It felt like I was the visitor and k the son, BUT the food was delish!

***

K supported me all through my recovery process he visit me in rehab 4 times a week for the 8 months I was there. My Break up with Ariel made me a shadow of my jolly self and sent me to rehab. My family visited me every single day, mum and dad in the morning my siblings in the evening I was shown love and given a reason to live once again. Two months after I left rehab and started living again I crashed!

 

 

 Kelani told me he was getting married

W    H    A   T???????

With desperate eyes, I gazed at him searching for answers I knew I was not prepared for prepared for..

***

Her name is Lola he said as she walked in, it looked like it was pre-planned. As much as I hate to admit it, she is one of the most beautiful females I have ever seen…

‘’Fair with a skin that glows under the sun,

Curvy with strides that suggest perfection, 

Eyes so innocent yet so deep,

A voice that would make anyone listen to her speak forever

She was indeed a sight to behold…’’

 

 

That night, I decided to write Ariel a letter;

Dear Ariel, 

I heard you are married now or you were married the same time we were married, its funny how you just moved on so effortlessly. What we had was special, and you woke up one morning and decided to throw it all away. Let me remind you, in case you have suddenly forgotten; you chased me, you promised to be there always, you promised to hold me and said I was the only one, your primo. Remember the way we laughed? The way we danced? The gifts and trips, I loved you…

It beats my imagination how much of a good lair, pretender and smooth talker you are? You mean all that tongue speaking and kabashing was a charade? It is very difficult to come in terms with the fact that everything we shared was a façade. You are just a bad lesson I wish I dint have to learn, I loved you faithfully, with everything that made me Tenna and you tossed it away you idiot!  

 

 I squeezed the paper, aimed for the bin, which I missed. Most of my writings end that way anyway, it was normal.

***

2 years later, I met Daniel… I was alive again, my radiant skin began to glow again, there were sparks in my eyes my laughter was loud again, right off the bat, I could tell that he was here to stay and never for once has he proved  me wrong. On our 5^th date, I passed out…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The doctor said I had amyloidosis and needed an urgent kidney transplant, Daniel came through, gave me one of his kidneys without hesitation… 7 weeks later, I was back on my feet hale, hearty, happy and surrounded by Daniel, family and friends who loved me. I read on the news that Ariel and his new wife or old (because he was married to her the same time we were married) were caught in Singapore with cocaine, they would be executed next week.

 

As much as I detest Ariel for what he did to me, it was difficult watching his execution which was aired live.

***

Daniel proposed, it was a pinnacle and very emotional moment for me, considering the fact that my family loved Daniel, and Kelani, the first guy I ever loved turned out to be my extended cousin…We would be walking down the forever aisle soon, where we would become one. Our journey to eternity, where we would share everything, the joy, wealth, disappointments, challenges and not just his kidneys. I decided to write MY vows on that night…

‘’On this beautiful day,

I give you my heart,

My Promise,

To walk with you, hand in hand

Side by side

Wherever this journey leads us,

Through the storms and not.

I believe in you,

Your ability,

The man you are,

The couple we would be

And The Father You would become.

I would be there in abundance and want

Right by your side when accusations rise and tongues wag

Ahe Belema’ am’’

 

And they lived Happily Ever After…

Letter to phebe 2

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Dear Phebe,
I am sorry in advance but I have to be frank with you. You need to let go! And the earlier you do, the easier it is and the better. Why do you constantly put yourself in situations that make you feel this way? if I didn’t know you any better I would have said you loved the attention and pity party it brings from the external and yourself (internal). Has cowardice suddenly become your last name? I have never known you to be a coward, why stand on the line? Nothing is grey girl (well… Apart from the colour), talk less of 50 Shades, it’s either black or white! Stop sitting on the fence make a decision and face the consequences!

Let go of those people who bring the negative vibes, as for kalistus and kabuki I will address their case in my letter. Look, you need to let go and let God, stop sacrificing your happiness for people who obviously don’t care (maybe they unobviously do). You need to sharp up girl, read the handwriting on the wall don’t wait for it be spelt out to you, but make sure you are sure of what you are reading. About not knowing yourself anymore? I think you have lost your identity in trying to blend, bend, melt and play small or big to fit in, please take a break rediscover yourself! In you lies immeasurable strength, to achieve whatever (I really do mean whatever) you have set your mind to do; remember the mind is the seat of your emotions, Please don’t let anyone mess with your mind and never settle for a mirage life is based on principles and not assumptions. You are still young, take advantage of this period and start fulfilling those great dreams you spoke to me about 2 years ago, take baby steps and do not be afraid to fail, it is tiny drops of water that makes an overflowing river. Before I forget, surround yourself with the People who bring FRESH energy, people who can boost your morale when you lack confidence. I trust you are still working on your self esteem you would need it. Phebe, please do not be afraid to walk away from anything preventing you from soaring, DO NOT CONFORM TO PRESSURE, Dare to soar girl! You would do the world no good by playing mediocre. I look foward to seeing you and aquila soon, tell him I would reply his letter soonest. Please do not forget all we have discussed in this letter, although it is disjointed, I want you to pick the bits and make it into your own beautiful epistle. I will write to you more often.