Golden Garbage

It was in the goodbyes

the good and the bad

that I saw your heart

beneath your  frown

and occasional smile

That you pulled through

all the paingolden garbage1

to force a smile

once in a while…

I was never satisfied

neither did I know your pain

I was selfish…

maybe not

only wanted you to smile more

I thought I cared…

But I was uninterested in your pain

your struggle

your fall

where you lost it all

I have not always been like this you

you yelled

with fiery raging eyes

and blood dripping down your temple

yet I only saw the bad in you

the beast everyone else saw

not the strength

or the courage

you had to pull through

and still be there

to fake a smile

where others would have had no smile

even to fake.

Ahe Belema’am


Ahe belemamThe very first day I met Ariel, I knew we belonged together. You can imagine how I felt when he asked me out, trust, as a sharp girl, I did some shakara. Our relationship was the standard, in fact it became a prayer point

*My Father My father My Father (you must say it three times) give me a relationship like Tenna and Ariels own*.

We were the perfect match. Ariel knew all about me, my rococo, love for poetry, travel, women empowerment  he knew it all, like a book he has read all his life; well… I knew him so well too, he was the most loving man and he was mine…    

                 ***     

 

Six months later, he asked me to marry him!!! Yes! He proposed in the most romantic way (check Bellanaija marriages for more details). Our wedding was beautiful He carried me everywhere like a trophy and treated me like the ‘prima donna’, all my friends told me I was lucky, off course I am! I replied, look at my husband. Fast forward 5 years later, here I am in barrister kelani’s office, being served divorce papers on a platter for brunch.  Kelani was my high school sweetheart, the only one who made the night feel like day… We never really broke up, but distance separated us, He went to Europe and I to South America. When he returned to the country, my house was his first stop, my parents adored him and the man he has become.

***

                                
It is too late mum!!! I don’t even like kelani again, I love Ariel and that’s it! He is my choice and that’s final. There is nothing wrong with Him, You just hate him that’s why he never drops by at the house; I yelled!  My mother loved kelani and wanted me to be with him, my dad, siblings, cousins, in fact extended relations, they all said the same thing “Ariel is not a good man” as far as I’m concerned he is, and my opinion is all that matters. It’s me and you against the world baby and I love you I said to him as we had dinner overlooking the sunset across the Atlantic, He smiled and held my hand.  I forgot to mention my family was not at the wedding and I still passionately hate them for it…

***

I sat in Barrister Kelani’s office too shocked to move, I and riel (Ariel) haven’t had a fight in 6 months, what could be the problem? What is going on? I asked trying to be as composed as possible even though I felt like throwing him of our 16th floor apartment  ‘’It’s nothing, I am just tired of hurting you Tenna, you are a good woman’’.  Hurting me? I was confused… He never hurt me until now. Why are you divorcing me riel? What have I done that is so unforgivable?  Can’t we talk about it? Am I not appealing to you anymore? I’ll go on a diet, you don’t like the taste of my food? I’ll enrol at cooking school tell me what is it? I asked desperately… Please don’t leave me, I doubt I’ll survive without you… You will he said as he briskly exited the room (Just like that?). I was devastated! I couldn’t call my family, haven’t spoken to them in years they never liked riel and did not support our union so I cut them off. My friends? I’m too ashamed to admit to them that their standard of a marriage is not so much of a standard anymore…

***

My phone beeped, it was Kelani’s secretary reminding me on the unsigned papers. Ariel has still not stated a tangible reason he is filling for a divorce. I switched off all my communication gadgets, I was not going to sign those letters.  3 weeks later I sat at kelani office and I endorsed the papers with my signature, I was officially divorced… These 3 weeks have been the lowest points in my life, I have cried, pleaded, prayed attempted suicide but none seemed to work, I felt like a failure, I couldn’t even keep my marriage my EX HUSBAND was bent on having a divorce. 

***

     
Kelani walked me to my car…

“Tenna he said with a tone only him knows, don’t be too hard on yourself, things happen life moves on. You are a great woman pick up the pieces of your life and move on, your mum asked me to bring you to dinner tomorrow night, I’ll pick you up; get ready for 7’’.

I could only nod, the fortress I built around myself that has kept me away from my family has crashed like a pile of cards right before my eyes without any signs or reason, thanks to Ariel I have been teleported into reality.

***

As I drove to the oriental, where I’ll stay till I get sorted, by the way I got kicked out of our house as well, I kept wondering HOW and WHY my mum still speaks to Kelani to the extent she has asked him to bring me to dinner with my own family, I have really been out of touch for a while.                                          

I must say, that was the most bitter-sweet meal I have ever had, Bitter because I felt awkward with my family,  not seen or spoken to them in 5 years, they moved to a new house and I had to ask where the kitchen and toilets were, and in response it was “kelani please show her the way, I was embarrassed… It felt like I was the visitor and k the son, BUT the food was delish!

***

K supported me all through my recovery process he visit me in rehab 4 times a week for the 8 months I was there. My Break up with Ariel made me a shadow of my jolly self and sent me to rehab. My family visited me every single day, mum and dad in the morning my siblings in the evening I was shown love and given a reason to live once again. Two months after I left rehab and started living again I crashed!

 

 

 Kelani told me he was getting married

W    H    A   T???????

With desperate eyes, I gazed at him searching for answers I knew I was not prepared for prepared for..

***

Her name is Lola he said as she walked in, it looked like it was pre-planned. As much as I hate to admit it, she is one of the most beautiful females I have ever seen…

‘’Fair with a skin that glows under the sun,

Curvy with strides that suggest perfection, 

Eyes so innocent yet so deep,

A voice that would make anyone listen to her speak forever

She was indeed a sight to behold…’’

 

 

That night, I decided to write Ariel a letter;

Dear Ariel, 

I heard you are married now or you were married the same time we were married, its funny how you just moved on so effortlessly. What we had was special, and you woke up one morning and decided to throw it all away. Let me remind you, in case you have suddenly forgotten; you chased me, you promised to be there always, you promised to hold me and said I was the only one, your primo. Remember the way we laughed? The way we danced? The gifts and trips, I loved you…

It beats my imagination how much of a good lair, pretender and smooth talker you are? You mean all that tongue speaking and kabashing was a charade? It is very difficult to come in terms with the fact that everything we shared was a façade. You are just a bad lesson I wish I dint have to learn, I loved you faithfully, with everything that made me Tenna and you tossed it away you idiot!  

 

 I squeezed the paper, aimed for the bin, which I missed. Most of my writings end that way anyway, it was normal.

***

2 years later, I met Daniel… I was alive again, my radiant skin began to glow again, there were sparks in my eyes my laughter was loud again, right off the bat, I could tell that he was here to stay and never for once has he proved  me wrong. On our 5th date, I passed out…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The doctor said I had amyloidosis and needed an urgent kidney transplant, Daniel came through, gave me one of his kidneys without hesitation… 7 weeks later, I was back on my feet hale, hearty, happy and surrounded by Daniel, family and friends who loved me. I read on the news that Ariel and his new wife or old (because he was married to her the same time we were married) were caught in Singapore with cocaine, they would be executed next week.

 

As much as I detest Ariel for what he did to me, it was difficult watching his execution which was aired live.

***

Daniel proposed, it was a pinnacle and very emotional moment for me, considering the fact that my family loved Daniel, and Kelani, the first guy I ever loved turned out to be my extended cousin…We would be walking down the forever aisle soon, where we would become one. Our journey to eternity, where we would share everything, the joy, wealth, disappointments, challenges and not just his kidneys. I decided to write MY vows on that night…

‘’On this beautiful day,

I give you my heart,

My Promise,

To walk with you, hand in hand

Side by side

Wherever this journey leads us,

Through the storms and not.

I believe in you,

Your ability,

The man you are,

The couple we would be

And The Father You would become.

I would be there in abundance and want

Right by your side when accusations rise and tongues wag

Ahe Belema’ am’’

 

And they lived Happily Ever After…

Letter to phebe 2

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Dear Phebe,
I am sorry in advance but I have to be frank with you. You need to let go! And the earlier you do, the easier it is and the better. Why do you constantly put yourself in situations that make you feel this way? if I didn’t know you any better I would have said you loved the attention and pity party it brings from the external and yourself (internal). Has cowardice suddenly become your last name? I have never known you to be a coward, why stand on the line? Nothing is grey girl (well… Apart from the colour), talk less of 50 Shades, it’s either black or white! Stop sitting on the fence make a decision and face the consequences!

Let go of those people who bring the negative vibes, as for kalistus and kabuki I will address their case in my letter. Look, you need to let go and let God, stop sacrificing your happiness for people who obviously don’t care (maybe they unobviously do). You need to sharp up girl, read the handwriting on the wall don’t wait for it be spelt out to you, but make sure you are sure of what you are reading. About not knowing yourself anymore? I think you have lost your identity in trying to blend, bend, melt and play small or big to fit in, please take a break rediscover yourself! In you lies immeasurable strength, to achieve whatever (I really do mean whatever) you have set your mind to do; remember the mind is the seat of your emotions, Please don’t let anyone mess with your mind and never settle for a mirage life is based on principles and not assumptions. You are still young, take advantage of this period and start fulfilling those great dreams you spoke to me about 2 years ago, take baby steps and do not be afraid to fail, it is tiny drops of water that makes an overflowing river. Before I forget, surround yourself with the People who bring FRESH energy, people who can boost your morale when you lack confidence. I trust you are still working on your self esteem you would need it. Phebe, please do not be afraid to walk away from anything preventing you from soaring, DO NOT CONFORM TO PRESSURE, Dare to soar girl! You would do the world no good by playing mediocre. I look foward to seeing you and aquila soon, tell him I would reply his letter soonest. Please do not forget all we have discussed in this letter, although it is disjointed, I want you to pick the bits and make it into your own beautiful epistle. I will write to you more often.

Dear Diary,

dabiiOn the day that Kode was raped, I was shattered!!! Not just because she was my best friend, but because I could have protected her… it’s been 7 years already, 7 very tough years but I remember vividly just like it was yesterday. My scars are re-opened each time I read, hear or see a rape victim because I see a part of Kode in them.

***

On that sunny afternoon, Kode and I just finished swimming at our local pool in our not so elite community, arguing over a bar of chocolate as we walked back home. I noticed some guys walk very briskly towards us and immediately I told her, let’s run! But you know Kode… she is very strong headed she refused… ”the streets should be safe enough for us to walk through without getting hurt” she said. I sense danger kode, but she won’t listen. As they approached us I ran leaving my best friend behind. As I raced as fast as my feet could take, I heard screams and pleas, it was Kode! And she was in great danger, but I couldn’t stop, my adrenaline rush would not let me. As I got into the compound our families share, our mothers ran out ‘’What happened? Where is your sister? They asked?’’ (We were called sisters, even twins) she’s in danger at quaver street I said. I watched our mothers wail as they ran off. Immediately, I felt a deep sense of guilt, I could not have ran without her. We could have faced them together.

***

It’s been 3 days I have been sitting beside Kode’s hospital bed day and night but she wouldn’t open her eyes, I have cried, prayed and begged but it does not seem to work. At 2:15pm on the 9th day, she blinked!!! KODE WOKE UP!!! But too weak to utter a word, she only smiled as I held her hand and told her how much I have missed her and how I have done her assignments and copied all her notes. It’s been the toughest 9 days of my life; I can only imagine how difficult it has been for my best friend

***

The doctor broke the news….

She suffered internal injuries which have blead through the 9 days she had been in coma; this has affected a side of her brain throwing her into seizures every now and then. I thought that was the worst news I’ll ever hear until I overheard the doctor tell kode’s parents that the oxygen supply kode has been using will have to be switched off, which only meant one thing: she will DIE…

Mr Rapist, hope you are happy now. Well… I can’t continue writing, I am too heart broken

***

As she was laid to rest, I watched in disbelieve as her grave was covered up, she was gone and gone forever. She was one of the nicest and most confident people I ever knew. Her last words rang in my head ‘’the streets should be safe for us to walk through without getting hurt’’. She was right, years after, I still hear those words in my subconscious.

***

The crowd cheered as I ended my tribute to Kode, it’s her 7th year remembrance today, and I miss her. I miss her matching my clothes, I’ve never really been good at that, I miss her voice, I miss her singing those lovely songs that never made it to studio, I miss our arguments, I miss her helping me with my assignments (Kode was a brain). I miss you Kode, each and every day, but you are in a better place now, void of rapist and full of more love than we could ever show you on earth. I will be 20 next month and I wish you were here to celebrate the 2nd decade of my existence with me.

***

Dear rapist, it is very unfortunate you never got caught, but just in case you read this, you broke the hearts of the people that loved and cared for Kode, and you killed all her dreams that very moment you took a decision to rape her. You reduced her from a jolly happy girl to fighting for her life and surviving on an oxygen mask. I wish she ran with me that day 7 years ago, but it was not her fault, IT WAS YOURS. I hope you change because deeds have a way of catching up with us; but most importantly I hope you die in a more humiliating way than kode did.

SELAH.

NEGATIVE SELF ESTEEM- a psychological disorder

ImageDo you ever wonder, why some people just judge you from a distance without really knowing who you truly are, your worth and the value you place on yourself ? sometime ago, I let the opinions of people control my life and emotions, I lived off the complements and praises I received from people and on the days I did not get those complements I felt bad and criticism destroyed me, even constructive ones. I was living with ”low-self esteem”  until I realized who I AM!low-self-esteem blog

Lowself esteem is not a respecter of persons!! you can have all you want and still feel low about yourself… I like to call it a psychological disorder.  I just want to reach out to everyone who get to read this post, living with low-self esteem, I have been there and it is not a good place to be or rather a good position to be. I encourage you to start seeing the good in you.  I challenge you to:

  • Discover who you truly are
  • Appreciate your uniqueness
  • Be good to yourself 
  • Forgive yourself of the past mistakes and MOVE ON!

Most of these complements we build our esteem and worth on are baseless. Truth be told, some of them are indirect insults (story for another day). 

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 ***UNTIL YOU PLACE VALUE ON YOURSELF, NO ONE WILL SEE YOUR WORTH***

: Toyeencoker      : @toyin1coker

 

 

 

 

 

Are You Really Beautiful?

 

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Beauty is undoubtedly one of the greatest assets of a female gender. Beauty is defined in diverse ways. But personally, I define beauty as a ‘total package…’  by this I mean having a beautiful internal to match the beautiful external. In other words, if you have a bad attitude, YOU ARE UGLY Kpom kwem! (full stop). I know we ladies ”love to look good”  BUT Never spend ”so much” on making your physicality look good when your character lives in abject poverty and suffers atrocious malnutrition. self development is an investment that yields dividends for life. Beauty they say lies in the eyes of the beholder,

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but no matter how beautiful something is, of what use is it if it doesn’t serve its purpose? What am i trying to say with this not so long epistle?

  • DEVELOP YOURSELF!
  • ACQUIRE SKILLS!
  • NURTURE YOUR SEED OF GREATNESS!
  • INVEST!
  • EXPLORE YOUR TALENTS!
  •  TAKE RISK AND
  • INFLUENCE PEOPLE POSITIVELY      

 

Because:

Beauty may fade but the way in which we influence people live forever…images (12)

 

 

Never Let Anyone Dull Your Sparkle.

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Hello BR (Boulevardier readers),

It has been an awful while I wrote or even came on here, I’ve been mad busy with school work, and I’ve had writers block for sometime now. I will try to Post more often. Neglecting all formalities, I will just go straight to the point, it’s going to be short and brief, but I hope you gain something meaningful from it.

It’s no secret, I love sparkles, glitters and probably  ‘most’ things that shine and shimmer. It’s always been a wonder to me how some people want to dull other people’s sparkle and would go any length to do so. But really, there is enough darkness in the world, if you can’t sparkle like someone, why not be a mirror to their sparkle and make the world brighter? but some people are so intimidated by what makes life bright and beautiful (are you part of the intimidated population? Watch out for a post for you, today is not for you) It is for the sparkling population.

To sparkle, we need to understand what it means to believe in yourself and let your light shine. sometimes we dull our sparkles ourselves by asking questions like; who am i to?? but really, its time to start thinking the opposite, who am i not  to? . Who am I to own a private jet ? I dont know about you, but who am I not to own a private jet?RTAGaxzTLIt is possible, Impossibility is nothing.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

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Nobody ever did anyone else any favours by not believing in themselves, by not doing their best, and by being fearful of what truly great things they can accomplish. The world has been made great by those who are confident enough to let their light shine. Because in doing so, they model for others inner confidence. And in this world, nobody ever accomplished anything by NOT doing. And to do, you have to believe in yourself. You have to exercise your inner confidence daily.

At the end of the day, whether you  admit it or not….we all have some sparkle and shine within us. Do not ever let your sparkle to be dulled, and most importantly do not dull your sparkle.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!